I hope you are doing well, I regret not being able to talk to you in person since I have a tragic (and ridiculous) issue. I accepted a contract from your gracious self not many hours ago. It was my first one; an experiment into the meta-game, testing the waters for making money in our player driven economy, trying out something new in this vast and splendid universe. I felt ready, I felt confident, and I’ve fucked it all right up the arse I’m afraid.

The lack of collateral in your contract (a mere 1,000 isk) attracted me since I’ve never done this before, so I had nothing to lose. And as an honest chap (don’t let my smuggling ancestry fool you, we’re not all skimming off the top) I thought I could be trusted with your business. And at a single jump I would pocket 100,000 isk for delivering 5,000m3 in goods, so how could I resist? Never mind that my Sigil freighter holds only 3,300m3, I’ll just do two runs. Parked in the Domain region, contract accepted, click!

Ah.

Yes, your single package can’t be split up can it? Not wanting to go the route of a failed contract and not knowing any better my eager (yet honest) hands tear through the packaging, hoping to find many smaller units within. No problem I think, lots of minerals at 0.01m3 would be perfect, two trips, bish-bash-bosh, disaster averted!

Oh. Cock.

Right, so now I’ve got all 47,000m3 of your shiny new Amarr designed Coercer destroyer freshly assembled in my hanger and a vast amount of pallet wrap all sticking to itself in a giant clump. I must congratulate the Emperor Family Academy on packing it so efficiently, it certainly fooled the eye from the outside. But anyway, this has started to go a bit wrong. Short of sawing the bow and aft off to squeeze it in my cargo hold I’m out of ideas… But wait! By shear coincidence the Coercer is one of the few ships I am qualified to pilot! I skim read the manual a week ago (“Let’s see here, forward, backward, blah blah, fire, self-destruct, blah blah blah, okay let’s go!”) so I’ll just take it across myself. Genius!

So I took the helm of my now probably-technically-stolen vehicle with renewed enthusiasm for getting this baby delivered on time and with only a few hundred astronomical units on the clock. Let’s hope it doesn’t get destroyed like the last two Coercers I took out on that ill advised L2 mission against “deadly” pirates. Did you know that 1AU is approximately 93 million miles long, and is the actual mean distance from our planet Earth to The Sun? I hope my little factoid lessened the impact of the previous anecdote, but I thought I should be completely honest about the man that has climbed about inside your ship. I’m afraid it’s all very much like hiring a juggler to clean your glassware. With bricks.

Fortunately for both of us I didn’t warp straight into a worm hole, and safely docked in minutes at Kor-Azor Prime. Hurrah! Your package has arrived, although I’ll admit it is entirely inside out from any perspective. Finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel I carried out with me this confounded wrapping hoping that you’d be none the wiser and I could crawl away under a stone and donate the reward to an Impairor retirement fund to feel less guilty about the whole affair. So let’s just assemble this container, repack the ship stuff… it… back….. in….. Oh, bollocks.

Shitting nobbing bollocks.

So I guess that’s how we’re stopped from putting anything illicit back into the containers huh? No refunds unless still in original packaging I guess. Well, that’s that, I’ve failed you and I’ve failed common sense. I offer my apologies for cancelling the contract but I see no other way of doing this now. I’ll be offering you the Coercer back as a private sale now, I hope I can at least hold the crayon steady enough to do that right.

Next time you answer the door and find your postman stuck inside the packaging of an Amazon delivery with the books neatly tucked under his arm and a confused look on his face, go easy on him.

Warmest regards and sincere regret,

D’Frost

—–

Special tl:dr version.

I’m a stupid noob and opened your parcel by accident. I’ve cancelled the contract but have made a private contract back to you for half the amount you were going to pay me. Please don’t flag me as a criminal or anything, I’m just an idiot. I’m sorry.